Sunday 02/07/2023

 I just feel lonely.

Dancing Last Sunday 25/6/2023

Sunday 25/6/2023

I danced with CHR. 3 weeks ago he was visiting the company as the IT guy. Last night I got to dance bachata with him lol. 

I also saw MR in that place of course. Things have been awkward between us since I drank vodka and drunk-texted him. I don't have dignity I know... I should probably stop drinking. I mean I was clean from alcohol, until that day.

MR asked me where I went yesterday and how I was doing. But he didn't ask me to dance. He danced with a chinese-indo girl with sparkly gold heels, red crop top, orange skin-tight skirt with slit that showed her white thighs--she has everything I don't. 

I'm sad sometimes, because I'm unwanted, and just feel ugly. I absolutely hate my body, especially my legs. 

4/10/2022: The CEO of G**n*t said I'm "Highly, highly employable"

This is the first time ever I went to a job interview and the interviewer actually impressed with me. The bule CEO said I'm "Highly, highly employable."

I have a self esteem now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

we broke up.

Long before this, he said he planned to visit me on February 2022. He will be having 2-3 weeks off work, transitioning to a new, better company. Alternatively, I once proposed an idea, if we were to be together there, I can apply to a language program in a university. It's a pretty good program in a good university, and the result will be a language certificate, which I can use as a stepping stone if I were to live there for a long time. It can help me to get a job, makes visa applications easier, maybe even allows me to attend school there if I attend the course intensively for a long time.

On 14 December I had a sudden offer to become the content writer for a website of an organization in the university. We did a sudden interview. I was pretty sure I'm going to turn it down after knowing that it doesn't pay much, probably won't be enough for me to pay living expenses in Surabaya and save money. When I heard about the offer, the person didn't specify where I was going to work or what kind of work scheme is that. Turns out it's in the university, with an internship scheme, and an 'uang makan' that's too low for Surabaya living expenses.

On 15 December, we realized, with the surge of Omicron, it would probably be really hard--if not impossible--for him to visit on February. If it's possible, then quarantine requirement will get longer, testing policies will get stricter, all in all, everything will be way more expensive. So the alternate option came to mind: apply for language course.

On 16 December, I spent 3 hours sitting in front of my grandmother's stove, scrubbing 5-6 year old greasy dirt that's thicker than my fingers. Cleaning the house is the best way I can do to keep the house alive and normal. That same day, my aunt sent me a job vacancy outside town. And my other aunt went into the house like a stranger. I realized I'm just another stranger in this house because it's not my grandmother's anymore. I watched my cousin goes to work in the kindergarten, parents dropping their kids in the kindergarten, and kids running, screaming, and laughing like they're excited about everything: going to school, going home, getting snacks, getting lunch, like they're excited with whatever they have in life. I watched Rohina putting on uniform and her unicorn backpack, with a pink helmet riding to school hugging her father's back on a motorcycle, then coming home saying "Puulaangg...", then proceed on saying how well she did in school that day. I received news that my best friend AM got a job in another island, and will probably leave this sleepy town soon. It grims me to the core that everyone moves on with their lives, getting jobs, getting married, getting pregnant, buying house, buying cars, attending their kid's graduation, and getting old in the arms of a loved one, meanwhile I'm just sitting there scrubbing dirt from my dead grandmother's stove. I realized maybe I should just take that internship scheme so I can move out of this sad house and have something real to do. Or maybe I should sign up for that language course ASAP so I can apply for visa in time.

On 17 December, my boyfriend 'introduced' me to his parents because I will be living in their apartment in the city if my visa is granted. We video called for a brief time. They did not like me. They don't speak English, but they speak a bunch of European languages that I don't speak. His mother thinks I'll be some kind of rotten Muslim immigrant that wants to go to Europe, bring my family there to breed, and leech their son because I won't be able to be independent there. They think I will be a liability for their son. My boyfriend said, they want a familiar girl in their lives (in my judgement, probably a white Czech girl). He thinks they want a girl they've known, from a perfect family that they've also known.

Between 17 and 19 December I just cry occasionally because I didn't know what to do. I told the university job guy that I'm not taking that offer because I was too sad to even order a train ticket to Surabaya on my phone. I mean most times I'm just crying on the bed watching sad Netflix movies. I sleep way too long, 8 or 9 hours at night, but half of it I spent tossing and turning. At some point I had a dream where I became a housekeeper in Czechia. I showed up at a client's house, which turned out to be their house. His mother said something like "Get out from my house," but I said, "I'm not here as your son's girlfriend I'm just here to do my job that is cleaning your house", but then she turned to her son and said, "Get this b* out of my house", and as he tried to calm her mother down, I started dusting pink roses on a vase in their living room. But suddenly a green snake came out of the pink roses, biting my hand and it hurt like btch. (somehow I can feel sensations in some of my dreams. like pain, odor, taste)

On 19 December 2021 I told him we're breaking up so he can start dating other girls that both he and his parents like, because that way it'll be better and easier. I told him, if it doesn't work, if he date someone else and he's not happy and not a match, he can come back to me. He doesn't like the idea, but that's the only thing that makes sense to me. He thinks it's okay if we get together, in expense of his relationship with his parents. I don't think it's okay. I've watched their family through calls and video calls. They have a perfectly happy family, which I don't have. Worst thing one can do is to ruin a perfectly happy family. You can always get a new girlfriend or a new wife, but you can never get a new family. Once it's broken it's broken. 

I started feeling anxious every time I wake up in the morning. I'm worried what I'm going to do with life, but also I feel like I don't have the strength to start collecting myself and do what I'm supposed to do. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I don't really have any goals anymore. But at the same time I'm scared because time keeps running, like it doesn't give me any space to grief, to be sad, to recover, or to think what I really want to do with my life. Time doesn't care. It just want to put wrinkles on my face, whiten my hair, and kills me slowly with sadness and regret, until it finally kills all my organs and put me in the soil to disintegrate. 

You know I've been rejected so many times, but all those times I could wash away the pain and despair with a bath and a fresh start. But this time, that bathing technique doesn't work anymore. I just feel frozen and paralyzed, like a wounded soldier. I've never gone to war, but it feels like I went to Stalingrad. 

Maybe that's love.

my grandmother died and other stuff.

My grandmother died on Wednesday, 8 December 2021 around 15:00. I refused to watch her die because everyone was praying and as an apostate I didn't know what to do. They bathed her body in the house backyard. The sky was dark, cloudy, and it was raining. They brought the body to a mushola in front of the house where we pray for her (again i feel bad as an apostate because everyone was praying and crying and begging god to take her to heavens, but i was just there with neutral feeling. i wasn't particularly sad or anything, nor did i pray to god. i was simply being a chameleon). When we took the body out from mushola suddenly the sky turned orange and there was a rainbow over the roof. 

What a nice coincidence. 

Then we buried her. Then we did another slametan like 2 dinoan 3 dinoan 7 dinoan, we even did khatmil quran in which I read 2 juzs from quran bcs everyone else also did. Then my aunt said the house now belongs to all 12 children of my grandmother, but I can stay here as a 'person who keeps the house clean but doesn't own the house nor having any rights upon it'. Technically i'm now an unpaid cleaning lady, but with a rent-free privilege. Most importantly, it's rent-free, so I'll stay here until I get a job out of town (which i really don't know when that'll happen).

I think, my grandmother, despite being not-so-likeable (like most old ppl are), is actually one of the best persons in the extended family. I kinda regret not treating her better during her lifetime. Like maybe I should've talked with her more so she won't feel lonely. For a person who has 12 children, she's quite lonely.

-----

I got bullied a lot throughout the funeral family gatherings because i'm not married and i don't have a 'visible' job (like i don't wear suit and go to work every morning). Apparently these boomers don't know there's something called 'remote work'. They don't even know what an internet is. I once told 1 person in the family that I want to study abroad, couple days later my just-married-now-the-wife-is-pregnant-23-year-old-smug-cousin asked me in such derogatory manner if i'm still 'trying to find that scholarship abroad' like i'll never get it. well maybe i'll never get it but at least i'm trying. if i still don't get it i'm gonna prostitute myself to my boyfriend so he would ship me to europe so i can study while working part time scrubbing piss on toilet closets in some Viet restaurant.

In an occasion the aunt announced her DIL's pregnancy with such a pride, "she's finally pregnant! we're expecting a baby and we're very grateful," to which I calmly responded, "my condolences." 

-----

During the funerals, the kids found Theia and Dandelion and we played with them. Rohina tried to rename Theia into Tania and Dandelion into Delia because of pronunciation issue and I was like, "wtf dude they have a name". So I forced her to correctly pronounce their names.

 

the world is moving too fast. 

my family often say i have a posture of a 70 year old and move like a slug. my friends told me my hands are jelly hands. i can't run. i learn slow. i read slow. i walk slow. i bathe slow. i eat slow. and most importantly i'm always tired, even when i chugged 1 can of energy drink and 2 cups of black coffee.

what's wrong with being slow. y'all moving too fast and you're gonna die of heart attack at 45. you're always anxious because you want to have master degree by 23, a great career by 25, and a happy lovely family by 27. that's just cause you have a cheetah life. i don't have cheetah life. i have sloth life.

if i get master degree at 50, a career by 60, and get married on my death bed what's wrong with that.